~You know me, you know why~

Inspired by Dani’s post .

By the way, if you aren’t following her? You’re missing out. She’s awesome.

Dean…Dean doesn’t see it. He doesn’t see how amazing he is. He  doesn’t see how many people love him, how many lives he has changed, for the better. He sees the people he has killed, the innocent lives who have been lost, he doesn’t see all the lives he has saved. 

Dean doesn’t see…how much he is loved. Somewhere along the line, while he was growing up, something broke in him. Maybe because his father treated him like his first in command, using the kind of training techniques Marines use, or maybe underneath the cocky esterior and brash attitude we have seen since the Pilot episode, there’s still the little kid who loved his mommy and made sure that she was loved when she was upset.

Dean doesn’t get it. He needs his family, he craves love…and he never asks, maybe because he has never been allowed to. Because big boys don’t cry, don’t ask, don’t throw temper tantrums.

Dean doesn’t see why his father sold his soul for him…because he thinks he isn’t worth it. He doesn’t understand why Sam would do anything to save him from his deal or why Bobby spent the four months after his death drinking himself stupid. 

He doesn’t understand why Cas does half of the things he does. 

He doesn’t understand why he inspires blind loyalty in the people he meet, why when they get to know him they’re ready and willing to die for him. 

He doesn’t understand that there are people who love him enough to stop literal demons they have inside not to kill him. 

What does Dean see when he looks into a mirror? Does he see the animal Alistair carved in the Pit? The hunter who is waist deep into blood and darkness? Does he see a little kid whose father was never home and treated him like an adult, like clay to be molded into a perfect warrior?

And the thing that kills me about Dean is that it doesn’t matter how broken he is, how numb sometimes…he’s still capable of so much love, he loves those people with everything he is…and still, he thinks that he isn’t important to them. That he isn’t worth it. And damn…it’s heartbreaking.